History of My Love

(Warning: this is an in-depth look at my life. If you don't want to look at my inner-self, I would not recommend that you read this.)
My "love life" (I'm sure you're interested) has, shall I say, been lacking for much of my life. I remember when I was in elementary school (at least 4th grade) that I was constantly "going out" all the time. It was always between two different girls; I was either dating one or the other. It wasn't really anything big, but it was important to me at that moment of life. I was happy; I felt that I was wanted by others. Then, in 5th grade, a life changing moment occured. click here to read moreI gave my first kiss to someone outside my family. That great moment that most people treasure, I now dread and regret. This event received much attention from my small class of 15-20 kids. Everyone gathered around me and the girl and another two that were going to kiss too. The other two did it quickly and painlessly, but it was a different story for me. I didn't feel comfortable with everyone looking, and I didn't feel right doing it. My head was pushed by some of my friends to do it, and I did it to get out of this much uncomfortable position. Well, the next day, someone (who to this day I don't like that much) told the teacher on us. Apparently, this was shocking behavior to him and the school's guidance counsler. The girls were called into the counsler's room and us guys were called in after them. I was so nervous and felt that I had done something horrible. I can't remember exactly what she told us, but she informed us that this was unacceptable behavior and that we should never do it again at school. I was crushed! After she let us go, I ran to the bathroom and broke down in tears. I was so humiliated and embarrassed! This set the course of my "love life" through middle school and in high school. After that, I was embarrassed and ashamed to date anyone ever again, and I never did. I was lonely, though. I wanted what everyone else had; I wanted it dearly. I resisted, though. I felt so hurt inside. I wanted that feeling of acceptance again, but I never got it. I often held in my emotions, and I definitely never told anyone. That would only put more shame in my life. My mind shifted in middle school. I went from not wanting that companionship to thinking that no one wanted to ever think think me as a "boyfriend." My self-esteem then took a dive for the worse. I didn't like who I was, and I wanted to be anyone but me. I would break down in tears thinking that no one wanted me. Then, before I left for high school, I changed once again. I realized that this grief was not worth it. I realized that if people did not want me that was their problem, not mine. I was no longer going to break down in tears over others. I was going to be myself and not worry what people thought of me. I continued this thought throughout high school, but the loneliness and bad self-esteem never fully left me. I still desired that sense of companionship that many others enjoyed. I reasoned, though, that I was too busy trying to be successful in school to have an kind of relationship with a girl. I gave up the idea. So, I had two problems built up in my mind. I had a self-esteem issue that I really wasn't "dating material," and I ended up too busy to have any relationship like this. It wasn't like middle school, though. I wasn't in the constant depression (that most people never or rarely saw because I hid it very well), but I would get in these moods for a few days were I got so depressed that I was now in high school and never had any type of relationship since the 5th grade. After those few days, I would feel fine. So my life went into a cycle: I would be in bliss for a month or so then I would fall into the sadness of my life for a few days. I think one of the things that helped me the most was the great friendships that I formed in my school's Key Club (which is whole other topic to discuss another day). I still go through these moods. I feel so happy then I fall into this horrible state. I still wish from time-to-time that I had a strong relationship that I never had. This last week has been one of those times; I just wanted to be in love (or at least think that I was). It's a simple, natural desire that I think that everyone deserves. Life goes on, though. I just wait and pray that God sends me that perfect girl one day that I will fall absolutely in love with. By the way, that counselor no longer serves at that school.

Tweet